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Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Favorite lies I have told people about my condition

I get asked personal questions quite often when I am around a lot of people. Sometimes I tell them the truth about stuff & things. Sometimes I don't tell them the truth about stuff & things. My answers depend on the age of the person asking and the venue where the question was asked. Here are some examples.

When little kids ask what happened to me I usually keep it pretty clean. My go to lie is that I had my head ripped off by a grizzly bear. It was a real scuffle but in the end I won. Thank goodness there was a 3rd world doctor nearby that reattached it.

Another one that I tell the youngsters is that I got bitten by a rattlesnake. It bit me right in the jugular. I couldn't make it in time to the hospital for the antidote so that is why I am in this chair.

Sometimes I just tell them I got shot. Sometimes that is a good enough story.

Sometimes I use it as an educational moment and tell them that I fell out of the tree stand while hunting. I then explain to them that I fell out because I was not harnessed in like you are supposed to be.

When it comes to telling adults who are a little too nosy, I don't hold anything back. I have come up with some pretty good lies over the years. Sometimes I tell them the real story that I was shot and they don't believe me. So the only thing I can do is stretch the truth.

Sometimes I am in the witness protection program because I was injured during a gang turf war in downtown Oakland. I was relocated to this area because I am more valuable alive than pushing up daisies.

Sometimes I tell them I had dinner with Chuck Norris and it didn't end well for me. He is a bastage.

My all-time best lie happened last summer. I was at Lucky 13's in Fargo, flying solo and I made the rounds per usual because I cannot go anywhere without knowing someone. Anyway, I noticed this one woman eyeballing me for quite a while and all of a sudden she walked right up to me. For some reason I could tell she could take a joke and I could tell she was a little not sober. She came right out and asked, "So what happened to you?" I don't know why but I said, "I fell out of a sex swing, but don't worry she is all right!" I thought she was going to die from laughing. Everyone within earshot could not believe what I just said. I didn't really care because I didn't know them. But I got to know everyone pretty well after that comment. Good times.

A lot of times, especially when I am in Fargo enjoying an adult beverage, the drunkest person there will come right up to me and assume I was injured in the military. I try to tell them that I wasn't in the military. But sometimes they are just too drunk and persistent, so I let them believe what they want.

These are just a few of the little white lies I have been known to tell. So if you hear some weird story about my accident, just go along with it…

Thanks for reading, Clint

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